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Linda McConnell

I have only recently started reading your blog - I have enjoyed your view of the library world. I was very interested to read about your interaction with the patron and the mail order bride. My observation in our own small library is that often the men who come in every day to use the internet are looking at dating sites. I always wonder about that.
I do take issue though with your comment that includes Australia is the list of places that women are willing to do anything to leave. Have you ever been to Australia?

Liz

I thought this was an interesting entry. It's surprising to me that you say that "that statistics are against" arranged marriages/marriages for money, because I was under the impression that statistics do not exactly bode well for "love" marriages, either. But, while I didn't necessarily agree with your opinion- still a well-written entry. :) So thanks

feelgoodlibrarian

Linda - I have never been to Australia. That inclusion comes from a coworker of my husband's, who is checking into getting a mail-order bride. According to his sources, American men are seen as gentler and kinder than Australian men. No note against Australian society as a whole was intended - sorry to give the wrong impression.

Liz - I agree. Statistics aren't great for love marriages, either!

Thanks for your comments, both of you.

FGL

Jenett

I've been loving your blog since someone pointed me to it (I'm a paraprofessional in a private high school library, but a lot of what you say rings true for me, too, in variations.)

My husband's Canadian, so we are far more intimately familiar with the marriage visa immigration process than we really wanted to be.

One interesting thing I found somewhere when we started (we've been married 3 years now) was that according to the INS at the time, immigration marriages actually had *better* chances of lasting than non-immigration ones.

(Also, interestingly enough, the way people met didn't seem to make much difference: people who met online didn't break up more often than people who, say, had been studying or working overseas and met someone there.)

There's also all sorts of protections for immigrant spouses if the relationship is abusive, etc. With us, they didn't go into that stuff in detail (because we don't match the relevant profiles), but there are several times during the immigration process where they can bring up "You know that if X or Y happen, that's abusive, and you can leave the marriage without necessarily having to leave the US" (It depends on when things go bad, the details, etc.)

There are also a bunch of protections against fraudulent marriages (by which they mean people just doing it for the green card, not necessarily the 'import a bride' thing). I tend to think that anyone who makes it through the system still in the relationship stands a pretty good chance of things working out well.

feelgoodlibrarian

Wow, Jenett, I had no idea. Thank you for all the good information!

FGL

Cliff Mays

My wife & I have been married for 27 years. We have 3 grown children and two grandchildren on the way. Our marriage also has withstood a masters degree and undergraduate work.

We met as pen pals through an organization for American men and Filipino women, (my wife is 1/2 Chinese) We married in the Philippines after writing for 2 years while I was college.

a book written by an anthropology professor from Berckly based on research she did. Found out that the success of "mailorder" (I hate the term) were on average better than traditional ones. The men had more education then the average. And most of the women were sucessful in their countries and not looking for a way out of poverty. Her book is: "Pen Pals, virtual ethnography, and "mail order" marriage, Romance on a Global stage, by Dr. Nicole Constable" I have been and still am a United Methodist pastor. When you declared, "it is none of my business" RIGHT you are. Get the facts and don't stereotype,there is every chance that if they marry it will work well for both.

feelgoodlibrarian

I'll look for the book, Cliff. The main thing I didn't understand was calling it love after four days. I do wish them well.

FGL

vonjobi

hi! i got here through tame the web. your blog is just about the only one by a librarian that i've seen that is really just focused on telling stories (very good ones, too!). most, like mine, have so many links. one of these days, i'll probably be linking to yours.

whew, long intro! anyway, what i really wanted to say is that i'm from the philippines and bloggers here are currently trying to work on changing the first results that come out when you google the word "filipina" (please click on my name below to see what i mean). it's probably going to be an uphill battle.

we're not commenting on the correctness of what's happening, we'd just like to present the other side of the filipina--that filipinas are not just looking for husbands or domestic helpers or that filipinas are like imelda marcos. finally, you may want to check http://www.filipinawives.com/

"There are, in fact, more than just a few good men who care about women."

Chasing Dreams

I’m a 25 year old man who is seriously looking into using a “mail order” bride service. In ways it is sad. When it comes to choosing mates modern day American woman are selecting the absolute bottom of the genetic barrel. I’m not an old man or abusive by any means, and I’m definitely not looking for someone I can control. I’m a guy who’s never been arrested in his life, doesn’t drink, smoke, or use drugs. I don’t have any tattoos, piercing, or colored hair. Modernized American woman consider me to be less desirable because I am so straight and narrow.

I fell in love with a young lady who only cared about using drugs, drinking, and going to parties. At the time she was trying to stay clean, but eventually she want back to her abusive, controlling, uncaring ex-boyfriend and everything fell apart. It seems like every American woman has a sob story about how bad the opposite sex has treated her, and yet each one eventually proves herself to be a hypocrite by doing the same things.

My cousin is also seeing these women for what they really are. He met a girl online and eventually started talking to her on the phone. Eventually SHE wanted to meet and actually had the audacity to give the poor guy a fake address! When he got back home she blocked his AOL screen name and wouldn’t take his calls. Even my ex doesn’t talk to me anymore. I was more then willing to be her friend because I still care for her even though she doesn’t deserve it.

I’m exhausting my options here. I even had a Caucasian girl tell that she only dates African American guys. I mean wtf. I had a long time friend brush me off because she was “involved”. She further elaborated and told me that her “involvement” was a nonexclusive, sexually based relationship with some lowlife jerk. The first lady was a high school graduate, and the second one was a college student. Two girls from two different backgrounds. Don’t young ladies want a nice guy who is working his way through college and doesn’t have a bunch of addictions? I even had a girl reject me because I listen to Evanescence. Everything was cool until she found out I listen to Evanescence? That is really shallow. Don’t you think?

There is probably going to be an increase in “mail order” brides because more and more men are getting sick of American woman antics.

Joseph

Hi librarian

I am glad to see you have taken up this topic because I feel very strongly there is some important information that needs to get out to Foreign women especially women of the Philippines.

I have been researching the IMBA Laws coming into effect next month and have a lot of concerns in my Blog Mail Order Brides.http://philippinebrides.blogspot.com/

Funny thing about your story is this statement - I just wonder does he believe that he really has gained her love? In four days? Just with his money? Gratitude, sure. Love?

It was because all the women I contacted online in my home country (America) wanted to rush across the country to meet after 1 or 2 emails that I eventually met my wife, took the time to get to know her (1 1/2 years) and eventually married her.

It just so happened she was from the Philippines.

But most of the attention given Mail Order Brides right now is very bigoted Anti-Foreign Women propaganda. I found these statements on 1 of the Blogs of the proponents of the new laws.

- Here are the things that Daran wrote that make an incredibly strong parallel to prostitution:
In return, money flows back to the Filipino family who are very often in dire poverty. So it’s an economic deal.
An economic deal. A contract in which Filipina woman provides sex and other services in return for monetary compensation. Seems like prostitution to me. -

Personally I have sent money to my wife's family when there is desperate need for medical attention. My sister in law suffered a stroke. My father in law had to have his leg amputated, My neice gave birth and the hospital refused to release the baby until the bill was paid. (they named the baby after me by the way)

But it clearly demonstrates the mentality and motivation behind the persons who pushed the new Mail Order Bride Laws. They don't want Foreign women in this country.

I'm so sorry, all I can say is they do not represent the majority.

God Bless
and more power in your blog

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