I was startled the other day by a woman approaching the desk. She was a small, roundish woman, not threatening at all, and after a very pleasant greeting, asked, “Can you tell me if my husband is dead?”
Oh.
“Ah, let’s see here. When was the last time you heard from him?”
“It was about six years ago, I think,” she said. “He doesn’t live in the area.”
“Ok,” I hesitated.
“The Social Security office sent me over here,” she explained. “They said you might have some information that could help me.”
“That’s interesting, I was just thinking they were the exact people that could help you. But we have a subscription to the Social Security death index. Let’s look for him in there.”
I felt vaguely heartless describing it like that, but she didn’t seem to be exactly grieving, so I trusted I hadn’t offended her.
“Um, I’m sorry? His name doesn’t appear to be here.” I was feeling more confused by now. Was I sorry he wasn’t dead? Was she?
“Do you have any other information?”
“Does he have family in the area? If he had died, would they have published an obituary? We can search his name in the obituary index and see if one is published under his name.”
“Yes, he has family here.” We looked in the obit index and did not find him there, either.
“Ma’am, I suggest you contact his family to find out for sure. Have you tried to contact him?”
“Well, he doesn’t answer my letters,” she said. “And the last one came back. Maybe I will call his family.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you more,” I said.
“Well, at least I know that officially, he doesn’t seem to be dead,” she said. “That’s a start.”
“Good luck with the family,” I said.
She laughed, very gently. “I may need it,” she said. “Thank you.”
My head is spinning. So apparently to some people, you get married and disappear, and somehow, to the other person, that is ok for six years and then it isn’t. Maybe I am just old-fashioned, but for me when people marry, I expect them to hang out together. You know, more often than every six years. And that your spouse would know whether you were alive or dead. And that communication with his family would not require luck in any way.
Somebody knows this man somewhere. But to her, here, is he really among the living?
How nice to read one of your stories again!
Posted by: Queen of Fifty Cents | May 07, 2008 at 07:55 AM
My first wife and I divorced in 1990. We had no kids and I moved to another city. The divorce was fairly acrimonious and there was no reason for us to keep in touch, so we didn't. I would, from time to time, google her, just to see what she was up to. In the fall of 2005, I received a very brief email message from her sister, informing me that she had died suddenly about two months previously.
When we married I assumed, of course, that we'd be together forever. Life (and death) takes strange turns.
Posted by: T Scott | May 07, 2008 at 07:59 AM
It could be worse, I guess. What if they'd been living together and she didn't know if he was alive or dead? I've met a few couples like that.
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Posted by: Jules | July 24, 2008 at 04:03 PM
Oh, FGL, where are you? I don't think I'm the only one missing your unique viewpoint on Libraryland.
Posted by: QQ | September 05, 2008 at 10:09 PM
Yes, indeed, FGL, where are you? Hope all is well and the only reason you're not blogging is because you're so busy.
Posted by: Lisa | September 11, 2008 at 08:21 AM
Please come back again FGL.. we miss you! Kay (New Zealand)
Posted by: Kay | October 12, 2008 at 08:41 PM
Perhaps the estranged husband left her with a home she is now looking to sell, or she is remarrying and needs a divorce, or is seeking to collect on a life insurance policy or unclaimed property. Maybe she even wants a tax break. That situation doesn't seem that odd to me, as people move on. Maybe they didn't get along and didn't get to know each other well enough before marriage. I definitely have ex-boyfriends whom I'm unsure of whether they're alive or not, the only difference is she made the mistake of marrying one of them.
Posted by: San Diego Web Designer | August 17, 2009 at 09:38 AM